To The Expectant Mothers I've Met

Hey friends,

In the month and a half since I last updated ya’ll, we’ve had lots happening around our home and with the adoption process that I want to share with you. We are really excited and grateful to say that half of our matching grant has been funded, so of the $7,500 that can be matched we’ve been generously given half of that. We are still hoping and praying for the rest of that amount to be granted as it will help us get that much closer to the $15,000 we have left to raise before baby arrives.

Our family hit a big milestone: we sent our firstborn off to Kindergarten a few weeks ago. It was a big adjustment for all involved but he is thriving in this setting and we are so excited to see that. Now, our second born is getting lots of one-on-one attention with momma and I’m soaking up every minute of it before he gets upgraded to the middle child of our family.

Lastly, since I last blogged we have been sent two more mothers. Both of whom we really loved and respected and said yes to but did not match with, meaning the mother chose another adoptive family. That is a quick summation of something that has taken days and days of emotional heartache for James and I to process the past few weeks. I was reflecting back recently with God and then later in therapy and with James about one of the things that has surprised me most about this process. For me, it’s been how much I love and respect these expectant mothers we are sent. We decided on this domestic adoption path initially because we were excited to meet these expectant mothers and hopefully nurture an open adoption relationship between our families for our baby. It’s not for everyone that feels called to adoption but we truly believed it was for us. Now, a year into this process and almost 9 months from the time we’ve been actively awaiting a match, that’s never been more true for me.

I thought I had an inkling when we got started what type of mother we would get to know via their profile or the situations they would come from. We were prepared well by our agency for all of the eventualities we’ve seen and I’m very thankful for that. But the reality of meeting each of these women (as much as you can within pages and pages of paper about someone) has been more than I ever imagined it would be. The women I’ve met have been some of the toughest, persevering, hard working, hopeful, and wisest women I think I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading about. They have been handed some of the most challenging circumstances I’ve ever known. Here they are, making one of the greatest sacrifices a human can make on this earth: pregnancy. You give up so much of your body, autonomy, ability, options when you are pregnant, and that’s true for every woman. But to be pregnant knowing at the end of it all you will be giving your precious baby, who you’ve spent 9 months making all those sacrifices for, to somebody else is such a deeper level of sacrifice that every time I really allow myself to think about it I find myself tearing up.

I am a mom and in the 6 years since I have been pregnant with my first I thought I’ve known what it is to love my children and I have with all of my heart. But these moms are doing something I have never had to imagine doing with my boys, out of love, out of courage, out of a hope that is bigger than their circumstances. For that reason, every time I read about one of them, my whole heart swells with admiration and gratitude that even if they don’t pick us we’ve had the honor of knowing them in their journey. And so with each mother we are sent we find ourselves, knowing them, loving them and then having to let them go when they choose someone else. We are so happy for them that they have chosen a family they feel best about for their baby and simultaneously heartbroken that it wasn’t us.

Two weeks ago, it was the 1 year anniversary of us officially starting the adoption process. I was up doing my morning prayer walk. It was still dark, I was groggy and it was already 88 degrees outside (because Texas never cooled down this summer) and I felt God gently ask me to look back and see how I’ve changed this past year as we’ve waited for our baby. I hadn’t given it much thought until then, in a lot of ways I’ve had my nose to the grindstone for the past year doing everything possible for this adoption. As I took a few quiet moments to compare myself to the woman I was a year ago I found myself smiling, I liked this version of me that has been born out of this extreme season of waiting and hoping. I’m more disciplined out of necessity, more patient than I imagined I could ever be, more hopeful because of all this time of practicing, more grateful, more aware of the hurt that is in this world and more than ever grounded in the realization that the only answer for that hurt is redemption.

So to my baby, we’re still waiting on you my love. Patiently, hopefully, gratefully. I want you to know that you have two mommas who love you more than anything and would sacrifice all they could for you. I want you know that I think the world of the momma who is holding you in her belly right now. She’s my hero and I pray for her every day when I’m praying for you. I want you to know that you’ve already made me into a better person and that’s quite remarkable because I haven’t even met you yet.

I can’t wait until I do.

Love,

Your Mom