Here Comes Our June

Dear June,

The month we found out about you was November. We had been waiting almost a year for you at that point. It’s called the “active” waiting stage when you are in the domestic adoption process. This time when you are able to be matched with an expectant mother. It’s definitely active, at times it felt like it was actively destroying our sanity. Other times it felt like it was actively challenging every part of my person; body, mind and spirit. Often, it felt like getting on a rollercoaster I wasn’t sure I could handle and every time I got off feeling like I’ve just had the worst emotional hangover of my life. We had been sent 6 expectant mothers over the past 11 months. We had just come off a few month streak of getting no one sent to us and that had been downright depressing for your dad and anxiety inducing in me. The week of Thanksgiving we had a mom sent to us with a baby in the NICU in a town in Texas quite a ways away, ending our long streak of “no” one being sent to us. We said “yes” and a few hours later we got a “no” back. Strangely though I was still feeling hopeful for some crazy, insane, must-be-the-Holy-Spirit reason. I had a feeling back in August one morning when praying about you that something significant was going to happen in our adoption journey in November. It was also your Dad’s birthday month, so I had hoped that was going to be true, I just wasn’t sure what “something” was going to happen.

That something happened on a Tuesday, the week after Thanksgiving, when I got a text from our social worker that they were sending us another mother. Our 7th expectant mom. Earlier that day while I was praying for you I had written this in my journal “wherever our baby and her mom are, let them experience your goodness.” I had felt just a nudge that morning like you were closer to me than you used to be. Like God had given me a glimpse directly to you and my prayer was actively being answered right then. I wasn’t sure how he was showing ya’ll his goodness in that moment but I knew he was. Then after getting that text while doing another load of laundry on a very ordinary Tuesday, I opened the email that was sent where I met your birth mom for the first time, albeit on paper. I read it right there in the laundry room and knew immediately it was a “yes” for us. I decided to call your Dad just to confirm but it was our easiest and fastest “yes” we had ever made to a mom. It just felt right. There’s one picture that is provided with the profile of the expectant mother and/or parents. The rest of the day while I was running your brothers around and errands I would think about the picture I had of your mom and imagine meeting her in person and I would burst into tears each time. That also was new for me, that hadn’t happened before with the other mom’s profiles we had been sent. It was like my heart was already starting to process the gravity of meeting your birth mom for the first time.

The next day was a work day and the day we were possibly going to find out if your mom had said yes to us. I woke up and was strangely peaceful. On the car ride to work that day I had played a song over and over in the car called “Taste and See” by John Mark Pantana. There’s a line that says “you’re healing my heart when I’m drinking in You, like jumping in the water in the summer of June.” We already had known your name was going to be June if we adopted a girl and so that line played over and over in my car and gave me this peace that I just may be about to meet my June girl. I walked into work and told my coworkers who had walked this adoption journey out with me (had been there when I had found out about each of the previous moms and when we were subsequently not chosen). And I waited. It was one of the craziest days at our hospital because it was undergoing its bi-annual mandatory inspection. I ended up getting another text from our social worker later that day saying she was about to give me a call. My heart literally felt like it was about to jump out of my body with anticipation. At that same time I found out that we were about to get interviewed for the mandatory inspection as a team so I just high tailed it out of the building to my car and then proceeded to have what may have looked like a mild panic attack for 15 minutes while I waited for our social worker to call back.

She called and told me that we had been chosen and that we were going to have a baby girl. I burst out into tears, so many tears. I just sobbed talked during the rest of the conversation. I then proceeded to try to call your Dad over and over again until he answered (he was in a session at the time with a patient). I told him and he proceeded to burst out into tears over the phone. I haven’t heard your Dad cry over the phone more than a handful of times in our 14 years together but he cried the happiest tears when he heard about you for the first time June. We then got to call our friends and family and share the news. I told my coworkers at lunchtime and then proceeded to duck out of work. Your Dad and I sat down for a late lunch and just tried to wrap our minds around the fact that this was actually happening. Adopting you. Your mom was due to be induced 4 days later so we knew we didn’t have long to wait which was a blessing and also a crazy turn around time when you’re adding another human being to your family. We picked your brothers up with balloons and cupcakes and tried to hint to them that you were coming. I’m not going to lie it took about 10 minutes of prodding and then finally Nolan guessed that all this celebratory happiness was about you. Their response was less enthusiastic than we were hoping for and we videoed for posterity’s sake, but to be expected for a 3 and 5 year old who have been hearing about this baby for forever, and are probably ready just to meet you already.

We would go to bed the night we found out you existed feeling overjoyed, amazed, in wonder, so excited to meet your mom and with the hindsight that comes ever so quickly that it all made sense. The waiting, the worrying, the 6 other expectant moms weren’t for us because it always had been you, my darling girl. You were the one we had been waiting for this whole time. Even though our journey to you took longer than expected. Even though that waiting and wondering irrevocably changed your Dad and me, it was worth it. It was all worth it because you were meant for us and us for you.